Sex, Cussing & a Bag of Weed Part 2

Hey y’all!  Welcome back to part 2 of the foolishness.  If you didn’t read the first part, go back & check it out.  It lays the foundation for the foolishness to come in this installment.

Ok, here we go!  We’re in the hospital parking deck.  Ground floor.  Level orange.  Now, we were just here a few weeks ago for her initial appointment.  We should remember how to get back to it again, right?  Uh, no.  NEVER put two directionally challenged people together and expect them to accomplish anything besides getting lost.  Multiple times.  Ok, so it took us 2 or 3 elevator rides, some awkward elevator incidents and a few turnarounds, but we get to the appointment.  I sit in the waiting room and well, wait.

In all of the hustle & bustle, I realize that my phone is down to like 7%.  one thing about me is that I keep an eye on my phone levels like a hawk when they get around 30%.  Anything higher?  I’m making it rain with the apps.  I mean, 12 or 13 are open at one time.  But let me get that beep-beep at 30%.  Oh we are on high alert!  Close everything, NOW.  So I’m looking for a socket & lie to you not.  This place is like the Willie Wonka elevator, y’all!  Almost all windows.  So my phone goes down to 5% and the “battery critically low” screen pops up.  Are you kidding me?  I am hunting like a mad woman for a socket.  I finally find a socket by the water fountain (gotta love someone’s idea to put the electricity by the water-whatever you’re already in the hospital if you screw up).  Ever notice the waiting rooms in the hospital?  Did you know that in some places the chairs are connected?  I didn’t before, but I learned that day.  To get my charger to the socket, I had to drag (more like draaaaaaaaaag) the 4 connected chairs down.  Folk were looking at me with the side eye, but they didn’t know my struggle.  And I am NOT about to put my phone on a hospital floor so it can charge.  I don’t want Ebola monkey germs all up and down the side of my face.  Y’all are just gonna have to deal with it today!

A few minutes later Tiff emerges from her appointment.  Yay!!!  Time to go home!  Wait.  NO CAR, DUMMY!  Jesus, be my strength.  I ask if she’s called AAA.  Nope.  I forgot that you don’t want to call them too early.  They will literally find your skeleton holding your cell phone with their number on the screen.  Not to mention some of those roadside assistance people are ratchet (I hate that word, but I felt like it was appropriate under the circumstances) and they actually make your situation 10 times worse than it originally was.  So we look at each other and say, “So…you wanna get some lunch?”  We both bust out laughing.  It’s hard work being involved in something this ridiculous!  You need to fuel up before you go sit & wait Lord knows how long until the truck comes.  We had really worked up an appetite (stress & all that durn walking) & it was time to find something good to eat.  We started off down the hall & saw signs directing us to the cafeteria.  We got on the elevator & that’s when I saw it.  Some sign about “If you have experienced the following symptoms…” with pictures of all manner of pre-stages of death on the sign.  I stuck my face in my shirt.  Tiff saw me and said “What are you doing??” I just pointed to the sign and said “I think the air is safer in my shirt!”  The elevator dinged and I pushed her out.  She was very grateful.  We stumbled down the hall & finally found the cafeteria.

Praise the Lord!  FOOD!  We ended up in a huge room full of food.  A room full of nothing we wanted to eat.  I don’t know what it was, but we just couldn’t make a decision!  The food didn’t look bad, but you know how sometimes it looks like it would be ok but you don’t want to risk it?  Yeah.  It had been more than 15 minutes of looking and neither one of us could make up our minds!  So I was wandering around trying to figure out what I’d settle for when I saw it.  A Chick-fil-A sign!!!  Ok, NOBODY can mess up Chick-fil-A!  It was worth a shot.  So what did we do?  Ask for more directions.

Off we went, mouths watering, hopes high.  What did we get?  Lost again!  Our mistake was asking for directions.  Well, not asking, but asking the wrong person.  We asked this little boy at one of the department desks and I’m not lying, he must have been sitting in for his cousin who actually worked there.  So while his cousin was probably off in the bathroom or buying snacks, this nut bar was willfully & bountifully giving horrible directions.  You know you shouldn’t take directions from a person who looks lost while they’re giving them!  He gave us two sets of directions and both were wrong.  Jesus help.

So we asked a lady who looked like she actually worked at the hospital and she got us right there.  Thank God for Chick-fil-A.  Well…for the food anyway.  There’s even more foolishness.  This location didn’t have the regular sign (stuff was all out of place so you had to actually look for what you wanted) so it took me a bit to place my order.  The gentleman was very nice and up to the usual Chick-fil-A standard.  His coworker however, was not.  She was a hot, rude mess.  She was loud, had a nasty attitude  and was acting like she was mad because we needed Polynesian sauce.  Who DOESN’T want Polynesian sauce?? Everyone knows it’s like tasty liquid gold!  Then she only gave us one each!!  What the world?  Everyone always gives 2.  You know you need one for your sandwich and one for your fries (or to carry in your purse for when you make home made nuggets at home and want to feel fancy).  Come on, lady…

So we sat down & ate and decided we’d go find a charging station (again) and call AAA.  But first, let’s go get dessert!  But we weren’t getting it from where we were.  We were not getting the stankness from ‘ol girl again.  So back to the cafeteria we went (yep, we got lost again) and checked out the sweets.  Y’all I know these people are on crack.  Why was a pudding cup like $2!?!  It was crazy!!!  So I grabbed some cookies and she ate some warheads.

Then we saw it.  The perfect oasis.  The outer courtyard/balcony/patio.  It was heaven.  Chairs & tables.  Gazebos.  Cool breezes & warm sun.  Open skyline with nothing but blue sky.  Only 3 other people there and they were far enough away that you didn’t even need to pull out your Southern pleasantries & hospitality.  Man, we must have sat out there 45 minutes!  Just chilling and talking and enjoying our dessert.  We seriously considered making it a vacation spot.  Aside from it being part of the hospital (eeew), it was marvelous!

But, we still had a problem.  Um….how we getting home again?  Oh yeah, AAA!  We still haven’t called them!  So we go to another spot in the hospital with a charging station and move on to the next fiasco:  trying to explain to a towing company where your car is, why it’s there, what you need them to bring, where you are and if they’ll tell you when the tow guy gets there.  Oh yeah, tell him we need a ride!

You’d think that there would be some end to this story, but nope.  Not yet.  You still have one installment left.  It’s even more incredible than the first two!  You won’t believe what we go through when the AAA guy finally gets there…

Come back by tomorrow to the conclusion to this crazy story!  See you then!



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